Do you love all things that go bump in the night? Do you love your fiction with a great big heap of comedy? Then A. Lee Martinez is the author for you! Check out my review of Gil’s All Fright Diner – where you have a greasy vampire and redneck werewolf saving us all from zombies and the apocalypse! You can also win this book in our Vamps vs Zombie Giveaway!
If you want a comparison – whenever I want some comedy fantasy I reach for A. Lee Martinez, Terry Pratchett and Kevin J. Anderson. These gentlemen know how to get it done and with plenty of laughs!
We’re honored to have A. Lee Martinez joins us today to tell us all about Vamps vs Zombies and Animals that Kick Ass!
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I like it when things fight other things. Godzilla versus King Kong. Robots versus mutants. Ninjas versus samurais. So when I was asked to write something for Zombies versus Vampires month, I was only to eager to add my two cents on the topic. Straight up, I’d vote vampire, but that’s a little short, isn’t it? So I started pondering how to make the question more interesting. What if we were to pick two animals, make one a zombie, one a vampire, and see what happened then? It’s the classic Bear versus Shark debate, but with even more supernatural savagery added to the mix.
Assuming it’s one versus one (we have to set our parameters or we could be here all day), I think it’s fair to say that our zombie would have to be something big. Zombies, even if you’re using the fast variant, are still mostly dangerous for being hard to kill and difficult to discourage. So it’s not to hard to figure out that the most terrifying zombie animal would probably be an elephant simply by sheer virtue of its size. You aren’t going to barricade an undead elephant out of your house when it comes calling, and tusks and a trunk give the monster that little something extra.
In order to fight this elephant, we’ll need a vampire with some weight to throw around. We could go elephant too, but where’s the fun in that? If we wanted to take the easy way out, we could go to rhinoceros, but that’s just not very imaginative. So I would elect for polar bear because, hey, bears are pretty cool.
Assuming all other factors are equal, this still looks like a pretty rough fight for our vampire bear just on the basis on size alone, but if we assume the elephant is more of the stupid, clumsier variety and the vampire gets to have a few of the more classic powers at his disposal (my vampire polar bear gets to transform into mist because all cool vampires can do that) and has increased bear strength, things look a little better. Provided the bear could stay ahead of his zombie pachyderm opponent, it would only be a matter of time before he did enough damage to incapacitate, if not kill, the elephant. Basically, it boils down to this. Zombies don’t have superpowers. Vampires do.
Therefore, even in this scenario, the vampire polar bear wins.
Sorry, zombies. Better luck next time.
~A. Lee Martinez
Keep your eyes peeled next month for my reviews of Too Many Curses and Helen and Troy’s Epic Road Quest!!
Margle the Horrendous takes special pride in never killing his enemies. Instead, the wizard transforms them into various accursed forms and locks them away in his castle. His halls are filled with his collection of fallen heroes and defeated villains.
It’s Nessy’s duty to tend this castle. It’s a lot of work, but she takes pride in housekeeping talents that keep the castle from collapsing into chaos. But when Margle suddenly dies, everything begins to unravel. Nessy finds herself surrounded by monsters, curses, a door that should never be opened, and one very deadly dark wizardess.
Nessy doesn’t have might or magic on her side; she’s just a kobold: short, furry, and sensible. It would be smarter to walk away, but taking care of the castle is Nessy’s job, and that’s just what she intends to do.
If only she could find time to polish the silver while beating back the forces of darkness.
A. Lee Martinez is a writer, maybe you’ve heard of him? He enjoys juggling, origimi, skulking, and time travel. While he’s a likable enough guy, he really isn’t very interesting and mostly plays video games and writes. He deems shirts and shoes as optional while visiting his website. Check it out! [And you get a picture of one his latest books instead of his mugshot because well he didn’t have a photo of himself on his website that I could find!] WEBSITE | TWITTER
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