Today we’re foaming at the mouth to host Peter Clines, author of Ex-Heroes and 14! Check out my reviews of both of these amazing books – Ex-Heroes and 14. He’s brought us a very important post with some great advice that you’d be wise to heed when the zombie apocalypse is nigh!
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Six Things You Should NOT Do With A Celebrity Zombie
After many years in Hollywood working on movie sets, I have some small degree of experience in dealing with actors and actresses. And after writing the Ex-Heroes series and watching a few hundred movies about zombies, I can claim a small degree of expertise when it comes to the walking dead. Naturally, like anyone would, I’ve put some thought into the possible overlap of these two fields.
So, with that in mind, I’d like to address some common situations that may come up after the zombie apocalypse and go over a few things you should never do with a celebrity zombie (and why).
1) Ask for autographs
Many celebrities don’t like giving autographs as is. Once they’re part of the walking dead, they’re going to like it even less. Plus, zombies notoriously have poor fine motor skills. If something has trouble walking and feeding itself, a legible signature is going to be nigh-impossible. Honestly, even if you taped a magic marker to their hand, getting an ‘X’ out of one would be a minor miracle.
No, moving their hand for them doesn’t count.
2) Pose for photos
Again, this is something many celebrities are leery about. So it’s tempting to take advantage of their “can’t say ‘no’” state and try to make it look like you’re old friends. This is a horrible mistake for two reasons. First, most zombies are in various states of decay, so trying to convince friends it really is a photo of you with Olivia Wilde or Sean Bean is going to be tough. I mean, it’s hard enough to recognize some of them without makeup. What will it be like when a third of their face is gone?
Second, it is never a good idea to get close enough to a zombie for a good photo op. Believe me, Carey Mulligan will not seem as cute and sexy when she’s tearing your ear off with her teeth.
3) Follow them around
It’s not unheard of for someone to catch sight of a celebrity but be too shy to actually approach them. In a few of these cases, said shy person might follow from a discreet distance, hoping for an ideal moment to start a conversation. We won’t call it stalking—that implies a little more planning and obsession.
Regardless, there will never be an ideal moment with zombified Bruno Mars or undead Amy Acker, no matter how long you follow them at a safe distance. They’re just going to stumble around completely unaware of you. And you’ll be so focused on them you probably won’t notice you’ve just followed them into a building full of hungry zombies. Which will be an ideal moment, just not for you.
4) Cast them in your movie
Again, it seems like a good idea on the surface. All the star power with none of the high pay or on-set antics or attitudes. If you’ve ever worked in Hollywood, you know that in some ways the thought of actors who can be kept gagged and in chains between shots is a dream come true.
Alas, with all apologies to the Twilight fans reading this, your average movie-goer won’t pay good money to watch a pale, blank-faced, emotionally-dead thing stand on screen, shuffling from one scene to the next. Plus they can’t remember lines, which really limits the roles they can play. And they tend to kill and eat their co-stars, which really limits casting choices.
5) Spare them
It’s tempting, I know. Christoph Waltz is a genius. Jennifer Lawrence is fantastic in everything she does. Robert Downey Jr.—God, I love that guy. And Anne Hathaway is just stunning on every level. How could someone even think of taking them out of the world?
Easy. If they’re a zombie, they’re already dead. It’s nice to think you could collect them or preserve them somehow until a cure is found… but there’s no cure for being dead. It’s like a pet alligator—eventually they’ll get too big and you have to flush them. Or, in this case, shoot them in the head.
6) . . .
You know what six is. Don’t do it. It’s just wrong on a number of levels.